What Wives Want: 10 Things Wives Won’t Tell Their Husbands They Need (2023)

I remember watching What Women Want not long after its release in 2001. The movie chronicles a man, Nick Marshall, who receives a fresh perspective on women after a fluke accident. And by “fresh perspective,” I mean he has the ability to read women’s minds. Sounds fascinating, right? I thought so too. Maybe he’ll understand what wives want.

Then I watched the movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I laughed quite often. But I was also terrified. I left the theater with one of those “I just saw a ghost” looks. Totally dazed and confused. For like two hours, I vowed never to date a woman again. I would be single the rest of my life, maybe become a monk or something. Singleness would be easier than trying to figure out a woman.

Fast forward 15 years. I’ve been married to an amazing woman for over 6 years, we have two children, and our marriage gets better every day. I’m still convinced women are the most beautifully complex beings on earth, but it’s possible to understand what they need.

By no means do I have women (or anything else, for that matter) figured out. I’m only 30. I’ve only been married 6 years. So, I don’t write as an expert. Instead, I write as a man who loves his wife and wants to know her better. If you’ve ever thought, “I just can’t figure her out” maybe this post can be a launching pad to deeper conversations with your spouse. Here are 10 details of what wives want.

What wives want but won’t tell you she needs:

1.) Security and protection

The world is uncertain and unreliable, and your wife needs you to create a culture of stability, a place where she can rest from the world’s craziness.

Your wife also wants you to protect your marriage from outside attacks. And I’m not talking about physical attacks (although, of course, that’s part of it). She wants you to fight for purity. Here’s an example. A man I would call my second father told this story several years ago. While living in Florida, his wife stayed at home with the kids. More days than not, she went to the beach. That’s what you do in Florida. But not this man. He never went. Ever.

At this point in his story, I was puzzled. Who would choose to stay away from the beach?Sun. Sand. Sharks. What more could you want? Then he explained why, and I will never forget his words.

“At the time, I struggled with lust, and protecting the purity of our marriage meant more than a few hours of relaxation.”

That’s called fighting for your marriage.

The greatest threat to your marriage is, of course, Satan. So, husbands, if you want evil to stay outside, you must let Jesus in. Every day, make sure your wife knows Jesus is the most important person in your marriage.

(Video) How Narcissistic Wives Treat Their Husbands

2.) Undivided attention

Husbands, your wife needs your undivided attention. What wives want is to feel valued. Making sure you focus on her is a huge component of feeling valued. And, guys, you need to know something about undivided attention. The word “undivided” means…not divided.

“Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

Right. But most husbands don’t understand why their wife doesn’t feel valued even though they sat on the couch together for three hours. Here’s why. You stared at the TV or your phone most of the time while occasionally nodding your head, pretending to listen. That’s called divided attention.

Guys, you’re not spending quality time with her because you’re in the same general area. This isn’t about proximity. This is about posture and attitude. When you wife speaks, look at her. Eye contact says you’re valuable.

Your wife won’t tell you this, but she needs undivided attention. And she should. If you don’t turn off the TV or put down the phone when your wife speaks, you’re not just sending your wife a signal. You’re sending yourself one. You’re saying your relationship isn’t important and you want out.

3.) Open and Honest Communication

Generally speaking, guys don’t want details. If I’m talking with friends, I don’t care for details. If they’re are necessary for making a decision, by all means, give me the details. Otherwise, I only need the important stuff.

Your wife is wired differently. When she says, “How was your day?” she wants the details. “It was good” is more of a slap in the face than a sufficient response to her question. Your wife loves you, and she wants to know everything about you, even stuff you consider insignificant. But she probably won’t tell you this.

Communication is the linchpin of a healthy relationship. Anytime Iwithhold information from Tiffani, whether I am scared of how she will respond, I want to “protect” her, or I just don’t have the energy to share all the details, it goes bad. The longer I’m married, the more I realize the importance of open and honest communication.

Even if openly communicating means revealing painful information, your marriage will be better off in the long run. For many years, I hid a pornography addiction from Tiffani. She discovered my addiction only when she opened my computer and stumbled across a pornographic site. I was always afraid to tell her because I didn’t want to hurt her. Turns out, the wound she sustained was deeper (and took longer to heal) because she discovered it rather than me being honest with her.

Husbands, your wife(and your relationship) needs open and honest communication.

4.) Help with daily tasks.

Marriages don’t have assigned tasks. You won’t hear phrases like “that’s her job” in a healthy marriage. Whether your wife stays at home or works 9-5, you should help with daily tasks. And husbands, know this. She probably won’t tell you she wants help. But she does.

(Video) 15 Things Women Only Do With The Men They Love

So, change a diaper without being asked. Fold the clothes. Clean the dishes. Maybe you’re tired from work. Maybe your wife doesn’t like to clean. But instead of coming home and telling her exactly how you feel, be a servant. Clean the house yourself. Pick up the dishes yourself.

Help your wife. Do so without being asked. Her respect for you will increase exponentially.

5.) A break

Culture places impossible expectations on women. Your wife feels those expectations. She might be completely overwhelmed. She might feel totally inadequate. She might be exhausted, sick, or hurting. But she won’t tell you. And if you ask, she will probably say, “I’m fine.”

Husbands, first and foremost, you should understand the weighty expectations on your wife. Be sympathetic to them. Secondly, you must look beyond the words. Don’t ignore them, but don’t accept them either. Watch her. Study her. When you notice her struggling, step in and give her a break. Give her permission to sit down or get out of the house.

Ask her what needs to be done, and do those things. This will not only help her, it will improve your marriage.

6.) A leader

Before diving into this point, let’s define leadership. You ready? One word…servant.

Leading your wife has nothing to do with rigid rules or doing things your way. It’s not about control, manipulation, or selfish gain. Husbands, if you use power selfishly way, God will hold you accountable.

If you want to know whether you’re leading your wife well, look at whether she lives with courage. Is she unafraid to fail? Is she using her gifts? Show me a woman who feels empowered and isn’t afraid to fail, and I will show you a husband who leads well.

Great leaders empower others.

My relationship is healthiest when I make Jesus the top priority, take my job seriously, choose hard decisions over easy ones, and serve my wife. Husbands are the bedrock of the home. Selfish, passive husbands create unhealthy marriages (and families).

Don’t be one of those.

(Video) 10 Secrets Women Don’t Want Men to Know (JUICY❣️)

7.) Intimacy

Women need intimacy. This comes in many different ways. Undivided attention is one component. Holding her is another. Sex is yet another. But, husbands, you need to understand something. Your wife doesn’t see sex like you. Guys love the outcome of sex (the climatic ending). Women love this too, but they also love the process. For women, sex is emotional, as well as physical.

Husbands, if you’re selfish sexually, your wife will be reluctant to have sex with you (and, quite frankly, I don’t blame her.) For much of my marriage, I was very selfish with sex. And it affected our relationship. Explore sex with your wife. Caress her. Hold her. Talk about sex with her.

Your wife probably won’t tell you this, but she needs more than physical pleasure. She needs intimacy. Don’t be selfish sexually. Try things her way for a change. Think about her needs. In turn, your sex life (and your marriage) will improve.

8.) Thoughtfulness

I don’t care much about dates. I know like five birthdays. One of those is mine. I can’t tell you how many times Tiffani has said, “Do you know it’s ________ birthday?” My wife NEVER misses a birthday. Her record on remembering birthdays is near perfect.

Guys, you might not care about birthdays and anniversaries, but your wife does. And, I’m not talking about remembering her birthday. God knows that would be a fatal error. This is about prioritizing birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, Valentine’s, or any other day she thinks is important.

The word here is thoughtfulness. Again, what wives want is to feel valued. When you prioritize special days, she feels valued.

Thoughtfulness also includes random text messages, reminding her you’re thankful for her. It means planning date nights. Basically, thoughtfulness means you think about her. Because here’s the thing. You can know you’re thankful for your wife, but if you don’t show her, it means nothing. She needs to know you love her.

She probably won’t tell you this, however. If you don’t go out of your way to make her feel valued, particularly on the “special” days, she might express frustration or sadness. Eventually, however, she will accept your actions as the way things are, but her doing this will hurt your relationship.

9.) Permission to be imperfect

Husbands, you must take the lead here. If you never talk about flaws or failures, your wife won’t either. But your wife (much like yourself) needs a space where she can be imperfect. She needs a space where she doesn’t have to put on a mask and pretend everything is ok.

Husbands, you must create this space.

This means listening, especially when she talks about her feelings. You might think her issues are trivial. You’d be wrong. If you write her off, eventually she will stop sharing and spend her days trying to be perfect.

(Video) 5 Things Men Would Love For Their Woman To Do... but Most Likely Won't Say

There won’t be a declaration before this happens. You won’t hear, “That’s it. I tried sharing my feelings and being vulnerable. From this point forward, you won’t know how I’m feeling.” It will just happen. If or when your wife does this, your marriage will take an enormous hit. Fight for this space.

10.) Fun

Your wife doesn’t want you to fly her around the world as much as she wants day-to-day marriage to be fun. Marriage is ordinary and routine. But it should never be boring. A fun relationship can’t be bought. If it could, only a small percentage of couples would have fun. Everyone else would twiddle their thumbs until they died. How miserable!

The key to an adventurous marriage is finding the extraordinary in the mundane. Be present every day. Be spontaneous. Find ways to have fun in the familiar. Look for opportunities in the ordinary.

Your wife won’t tell you this, but what wives want is marriage to be fun and adventurous. And she should.

God created it, after all.


It’s possible to know what wives want and really need.

It’s your turn. I would love to hear from you. Wives, what do you really want from your husband? Husbands, do you understand what wives want? Leave a comment below!

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!

this …


What a wife should not tell her husband? ›

Insults to their family or friends

No matter how annoying you think your husband's family or friends are, never throw shades or say something insulting in front of him. So, hold your tongue before you say something like, "how can you be friends with John?

What wives want most from their husbands? ›

  • LOVE. Unconditional love. ...
  • ATTENTION. Wives want to be listened to and know that what they have to say is important to their spouse. ...
  • RESPECT. ...
Jul 23, 2015

What is the most important thing a man needs from his wife? ›

Husband wants Respect.

In a matrimonial relationship, a man expects respect and gives unconditional love to his woman. Both love and respect are essential for the soft gliding of martial life. However, for a woman, it is easier to love a man than respect him.

What are the things you should not tell your wife? ›

9 Things You Should Never Say to Your Wife
  • “Calm down. Relax!” ...
  • “What's wrong now?” ...
  • “What were you thinking?” ...
  • “What did you do all day?” ...
  • “Is it that time of the month?” ...
  • “I don't love you anymore.” ...
  • “Are you going to eat all that?” ...
  • “Get off my back…you're always nagging me.”
Nov 10, 2014

What are examples of disrespect in a marriage? ›

Some behaviors of disrespect in relationships include nagging, criticism, stonewalling, lying, put downs, pressuring the other, disloyalty, and threats to end the relationship or marriage.

What does a toxic wife do? ›

Some of the signs of a toxic person include: Toxic individuals constantly belittle their partner, for example, by making fun of them in front of others or dismissing their ideas, thoughts, and desires as stupid or silly. Another common trait frequently seen in toxic marriages is anger.

What are the 3 things a woman wants in a man? ›

Women desire a man who is honorable, fair, and ethical. In terms of relationships, having integrity can help strengthen the bond a man has with a woman, as his moral principles will guide his behavior and help him to be the best partner that he can be.

What are the 2 most important things in a marriage? ›

Honesty and trust become the foundation for everything in a successful marriage. But unlike most of the other essentials on this list, trust takes time. You can become selfless, committed, or patient in a moment, but trust always takes time.

What makes a woman happy in marriage? ›

Share your life with her. She needs to connect with you in a special way, so create margin so she can share her life with you in every area — home, family, work, and outside interests. Don't shut her out. Be a man of character and integrity.

What are the 5 needs of a man? ›

Food, water, clothing, sleep, and shelter are the bare necessities for anyone's survival.

What men need most in marriage? ›

Willard Harvey, in his book His Needs/Her Needs, states the five top needs of men in marriage. Those five needs are admiration, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, sexual fulfillment and domestic support. The need that is often most neglected and that I want to focus on here is the need for admiration.

What kind of woman a man needs? ›

What Men Want In A Woman
  • She Is Family- And Friend-Oriented. Of course, not every person is close to their family. ...
  • She Is Charming. ...
  • She Is Kindhearted. ...
  • She Is Intellectually Challenging. ...
  • She Is Ambitious. ...
  • She Is Consistent. ...
  • She Is Empathetic And Understanding. ...
  • She Is Willing To Put In The Effort.
Dec 19, 2022

What things destroy a marriage? ›

8 Things That Can Ruin a Marriage
  • Not putting each other first. Once you marry, make each other a priority. ...
  • Weak communication. ...
  • Keeping secrets. ...
  • Poor boundaries with family or friends. ...
  • Never apologizing or admitting that you are wrong. ...
  • Not showing gratitude. ...
  • Exerting jealousy. ...
  • Shirking professional help.
Jan 13, 2016

How can you tell if your wife is hiding something from you? ›

15 signs your spouse is hiding something from you
  • Your intuition is telling you something. ...
  • They have become secretive. ...
  • Emotional intimacy is lacking. ...
  • You're hearing rumors. ...
  • They've become hard to reach. ...
  • Sexual intimacy is lacking. ...
  • Sexual intimacy is different. ...
  • They're making a lot of plans without you.
Feb 25, 2021

What are the red flags in a man? ›

20 Red Flags to Watch Out for in Your Relationship
  • They make you feel bad about yourself. ...
  • They have you second-guessing their feelings toward you. ...
  • They don't listen to you. ...
  • They don't support your goals. ...
  • They pressure you to get physical before you're ready. ...
  • The relationship is all about them.
Sep 26, 2022

What is unacceptable behavior from husband? ›

Behaviors such as disrespecting, cursing, name-calling, and anything else that makes the other person feel bad about themselves reflect contemptuous intentions. Contempt from the person with whom you are supposed to feel secure and protected could put the future of your marriage in doubt.

What does lack of respect look like in a marriage? ›

It means that you avoid treating each other in rude and disrespectful ways, e.g., you do not engage in name calling, and do not insult or demean your spouse or partner. It also means that you do not talk sarcastically to, or ignore or avoid your partner.

What is the root cause of disrespect? ›

Cultural, generational, and gender biases, and current events influencing mood, attitude, and actions, also contribute to disrespectful behavior. Practitioner impairment, including substance abuse, mental illness, or personality disorder, is often at the root of highly disruptive behavior.

What is Gaslighting in a marriage? ›

The term gaslighting became popular in the 1960s. It is used to describe the manipulation of another person's perception of reality. Gaslighting is a common tool used by narcissistic and abusive spouses to control their partners. When done correctly, gaslighting can make a spouse doubt their own senses and memory.

When should you walk away from a marriage? ›

There are times you MUST leave—if there is ongoing abuse or if you are in danger of physical harm, you should only consider staying safe. Repeated bouts of addiction, cheating, emotional badgering, and severe financial abuse need to be handled with extreme care as well.

When should you leave a marriage? ›

Leaving a Marriage After 60: How to Know When it's Time to Let Go
  • You Are in an Abusive Relationship.
  • You Do Not Get Treated with the Respect You Deserve.
  • You Justify Your Happiness and Mental Health.
  • You Feel Nothing Will Change for the better.
  • You Are Not Being True to Yourself.
Sep 27, 2022

What ladies love most in a relationship? ›

12 Things Every Woman Wants When She's In A Relationship With You
  1. An Innate Closeness. Being close can mean different things at different times. ...
  2. Signs Of Certainty. She needs to know, for sure. ...
  3. Clarity Of Thought. ...
  4. Courage To Act. ...
  5. Constant Communication. ...
  6. Gentleness Of Touch. ...
  7. Patience To Understand. ...
  8. A Sense Of Control.
Apr 26, 2019

What does a man desire most from a woman? ›

Both men and women consistently cite emotional stability and maturity as one of the most attractive traits in a potential spouse. While men often fall victim to the stereotype of prioritizing physical attraction, when it comes to a potential wife, they want a woman who is grounded and secure in herself.

What can make a woman love a man? ›

10 things that make a woman fall in love with a man
  • Be respectful to everyone.
  • Treat women well.
  • Be honest.
  • Be a family guy.
  • Show her that you are financially stable.
  • Accept her with her flaws.
  • Be thoughtful and intelligent.
  • Treat her as an equal in a relationship.
Jun 13, 2022

What are the three C's of a good marriage? ›

A strong and healthy relationship is built on the three C's: Communication, Compromise and Commitment. Think about how to use communication to make your partner feel needed, desired and appreciated.

What makes a man happy in marriage? ›

"Just being in a relationship and being committed to it, just showing up every day is an expression of [his] love," Chethik said. So what makes a man happy in a marriage? "Acceptance and appreciation. We want to be needed," he said.

What are the four pillars of a strong marriage? ›

Safety, Faithfulness, Commitment and Reliability are 4 pillars of trust every marriage needs. If any one of these is missing, the roof starts caving in and the relationship starts to deteriorate. Marriages thrive when both partners feel safe and secure.

How often do married couples make love? ›

Average number of times per week married couples make love

25% had sex once a week. 16% had sex two to three times per week. 5% had sex four or more times per week. 17% had sex once a month.

What makes a woman unhappy in marriage? ›

The cause of every unhappy marriage is most likely a deep-rooted sense of unfulfillment. A feeling that there is not enough love, affection, trust, respect, or other crucial components for a satisfying connection. By nature, a woman is more connected to her emotions.

What makes a woman happy the most? ›

Compliment her in the right way.

Compliments are a sure bet to making a woman happy, as they are with anyone, but you have to compliment correctly. Don't compliment her on things like her figure, because then she will stress about keeping it nice. You also shouldn't compliment her on things like her hair or eyes.

What is a man's greatest need? ›

Of course, for our physical being, we desperately need air, food, water, clothes, and shelter. On a spiritual level, many people would say that we need righteousness, also known as a right-standing relationship with our Heavenly Father, more than anything else.

What is the most important thing a man needs to survive? ›

Food and water are essential for human survival. Although the human body usually cannot live more than two weeks without water, the length of time that a person can live without food varies depending on the size of the person. The body will use its fat and stored protein (muscles) to survive.

What are the top 3 things men want? ›

According to Steve Harvey, if you provide a man with these three things in a relationship, he won't leave: support, loyalty, and intimacy. Harvey says that men may hide behind their macho demeanors, but in the end they just want to feel special.

What do men fear most in marriage? ›

The number one fear a man has about marital commitment is change. He fears that you'll suddenly try to change him, like how you've changed his wardrobe, his couch, or even his food. Thing is, men do not like changes.

What are the top 5 needs of a woman? ›

Obviously every woman is different, but years of research showed that these are what they preferred on average.
Oct 1, 2019

What makes a man feel respected? ›

Guys, in particular, crave to be looked at as a leader--someone whose ideas are important. Guys want to know you are interested in what they think. He feels respected when you care about how he thinks and feels. Then when you take the time to listen, it's even more powerful.

What 4 things a woman wants from a man? ›

Maturity, decisiveness, consistency, and strength—these are the four things women want and need most from a man. In his book, Bernard teaches readers how to identify and cultivate these traits toward a happy and long-lasting relationship—one built to weather any storm.

What are a man's love needs? ›

Men may not be expressive, but they also have emotional needs. They look for comforting companionship, affection, emotional security, appreciation, and encouragement from their partners.

What makes a woman irresistible? ›

A truly irresistible woman is honest about what she wants and the way she lives her life. Be forthright about your actual interests and personality quirks (even if you're embarrassed about some of them). People like being around someone that's honest about who they are.

What should I hide from my husband? ›

Here are a few things that are better kept to yourself and are okay to hide from your partner:
  • Youre Not Too Fond Of Their Family.
  • Your Friends Secrets.
  • Youve Stalked Your Ex On Social Media.
  • Youve Stalked Their Ex On Social Media.
  • Someone Flirted With You.
  • You Didnt Like What They Got You As A Gift.
Jul 19, 2021

What things should you not tell your partner? ›

12 things you should never say to your partner
  • ''If you really loved me, you'd do it. '' ...
  • ''You make me whole. ...
  • ''I wish things were how they used to be. ...
  • ''You make me feel guilty for hanging out with friends. ...
  • "You're so boring – you cramp my style." ...
  • ''Why do you NEVER listen to me? ...
  • ''You're so selfish! ...
  • ''You've changed.
Apr 20, 2017

Is it OK to tell your husband everything? ›

But should you tell your partner everything? Experts agree that you don't have to. “I absolutely think that is not only normal, not only OK, but really great to have some private thoughts or things in your life that are just yours,” dating and relationship expert Cora Boyd tells Bustle.

Do you have to tell your spouse everything? ›

Keeping Secrets and the Right to Privacy

It is important to remember that you do not have to share everything with another person in a relationship. Some things to remember in any relationship: You have the right to privacy in any relationship, including with your spouse, partner, and family.

What are the things that can destroy marriage? ›

8 Things That Can Ruin a Marriage
  • Not putting each other first. Once you marry, make each other a priority. ...
  • Weak communication. ...
  • Keeping secrets. ...
  • Poor boundaries with family or friends. ...
  • Never apologizing or admitting that you are wrong. ...
  • Not showing gratitude. ...
  • Exerting jealousy. ...
  • Shirking professional help.
Jan 13, 2016

What will make your husband miss you? ›

Tips to make your man miss you
  • 01/6Tips to make your man miss you. ...
  • 02/6Be mysterious enough. ...
  • 03/6Have a fun time without him. ...
  • 04/6Make him feel a little bit jealous. ...
  • 05/6Don't reply to his calls or texts immediately. ...
  • 06/6Don an addictive smell.
Mar 11, 2021

How can I spice up my husband in bed? ›

Start with these simple (yet sexy) strategies.
  1. 6 Easy Ways To Spice Up Your Married Sex Life. Making things more interesting in the bedroom doesn't have to be hard. ...
  2. Try something new. ...
  3. Make out like teenagers. ...
  4. Schedule romantic activities. ...
  5. Share your fantasies. ...
  6. Watch a sexy DVD. ...
  7. See a sex therapist.
Jun 2, 2016

What are the 10 things that are unacceptable in any relationship? ›

That's why there are some common, unforgivable things in a relationship for you to look out for.
  • 25 examples of unacceptable behavior in a relationship. ...
  • Physical abuse. ...
  • Mental and emotional abuse. ...
  • Stonewalling. ...
  • Ignoring boundaries and needs. ...
  • Never apologize. ...
  • Manipulation and control. ...
  • Obsessive jealousy.
Oct 7, 2021

What can destroy a relationship? ›

8 Ways to Ruin Your Relationship
  • Take your partner for granted. There's no better way to help hurry the end of the relationship than to just assume your partner is always there to make your life easier. ...
  • Stop talking. ...
  • Stop expressing your feelings. ...
  • Stop listening. ...
  • Kill the fun. ...
  • Nitpick. ...
  • Threaten. ...
  • Ignore your partner.
Jan 30, 2023

When to tell your marriage is over? ›

"If you're no longer spending any time together, if one or both partners is spending all their time at work, with friends, online — and if feels like a relief not to be with each other — it's a sign that you've already disengaged from the marriage."

What is the secret of a good wife? ›

Caring and compassionate

A good wife exhibits both care and compassion. She is sensitive to the family's needs, and does her best to provide a solution. She understands when her husband is frustrated, and tries to make him happy. Her caring disposition makes sure the family does not lack in any aspect of life.

What is a toxic husband like? ›

' Toxic, abusive partners don't want to take ownership (in situations where they objectively should) and will avoid doing so again and again. And, when they seem to take ownership, it's manipulative and over-the-top, with no change in behavior to support it,” she says.

What is stonewalling in a relationship? ›

Stonewalling, one of the Four Horsemen, is Dr. John Gottman's term for one or both partners shutting down when feeling overwhelmed during conflict. Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be unresponsive, making evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, or acting busy.

Why would someone keep a relationship secret? ›

Some people like to keep a relationship private when they're not sure where it's going. Still, others want to keep a relationship secret because they are also involved with another person, or not completely over their previous relationship.

How secrets can destroy a relationship? ›

It makes you constrict, put up walls, and want to pull away. Secrets lead to hiding, holding back, and defensiveness. We disconnect to prevent our secret from being discovered. Plus, over time, secrets wear away at our own mental and physical health and diminish our ability to be close and connected.


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